i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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