I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
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