Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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