I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
