I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
