K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
