I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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