I just cut my nipple shaving
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
