Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
