she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My vagina is officially offended.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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