I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
