and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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