You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
