You just made me feel so damn special
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
