your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
