If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
