what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
