I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
