btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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