I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
