Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
