He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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