im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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