i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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