so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
