I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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