I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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