walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
