You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
