he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I am one with the molecules
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
