I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
