he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
