well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
