I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
