she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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