So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
