im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
