he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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