We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
