Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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