sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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