I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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