just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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