I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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