he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
being pregnant is like rehab
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
