She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
