You're my little dorito
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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