Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
