well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
