I wish I could teleport
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
