i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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